Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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