He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
