I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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