i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
