I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
