saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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