best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
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You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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