Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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