Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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