i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
