i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
