I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
