Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
