Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Randomize