So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
