she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
