I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
