By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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