I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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