maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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