dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
