Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
