Betty ford says i'm here all night
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
