well you can't waste a boner
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
