I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
