i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
