when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
