wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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