i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
