you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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