if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
FUCK WHALES
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
