She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
