Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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