So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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