My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
