She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
