i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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