Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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