As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
