My liver just broke up with me...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
