He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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