I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
