needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
