Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
