i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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