I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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