dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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