im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
