70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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