I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
