If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
