i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
