Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
