i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
