I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
