Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
