Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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