You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
